Who Are You...Creating Your Identity!

Who Are You?

This weekend, I spent some time catching up on some shows that I had recorded.  I watched Oprah’s interview with Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson and the episodes of Iyanla, fix my Life with Evelyn Lozada. There was a question that resounded throughout the episodes - “Who Am I?” We tend to look at who we are through the lens of our past or other people. 

How many times have you had an awakening out of a situation and asked yourself how did I get here? Or who was that woman that allowed that to happen?  The realization that you were not living your true self can be startling, denial, fearful, freeing, etc.  The question becomes how can I make the shift into becoming the person that I was created to be and not the person that I have created from living my life through the rearview mirror.

As I listened to the discussion between Oprah and “50 Cent” /Curtis Jackson, I was able to see that he created the image of “50 Cent” but Curtis Jackson is the person that he strives to be.  Curtis Jackson is a quiet to himself businessman that loves his grandmother.  Oprah walked away with a new appreciation for him.  In a moment of transparency, I have always had a thing for Curtis Jackson.

Iyanla helped Evelyn to identify truths about who she is and not the image that she has created.  She created an image out of fear of not wanting to be alone and also the” non factor” of having a relationship with her father.  We can not have Oprah or Iyanla to come to our homes and do the work for us. But there are professionals that can help you find your truths and be who you really are?

SIDEBAR: I was having a conversation with someone and we discussed how counseling/therapy should be on the dental model.  It should be considered a preventative service and not one sought after it becomes too much or a self described crisis.  I am a person that goes to the dentist every six months and my well woman visits once a year.  These services are considered to be preventative maintenance so that I will remain well.  And some of these visits are actually no charge to me because they are preventative.  The idea of going to see a counselor for a wellness check should become the norm.

Saying No....Doesn't mean I don't love you!!!

First, I must say that I know that my title may not be grammatically correct because two negatives in a sentence makes a positive.  I guess I can say that there are three negatives in my title...No, doesn't and don't so does that make it a negative.  I hope you get what I am saying.

As a woman, a helping professional and a Christian, I struggle sometimes with saying No to someone that request something of me.  I have found that this is true for alot of people that I know.  They struggle with telling someone that they love...No.  I was talking to someone this week and someone close to them had asked them to do something.  The person already had a full schedule for the day but they felt obligated to complete the task.  When I said, "you can tell the person No this is not an emergency."  There response was " I love ______."  This conversation made me think about the times that I have done something for someone out of the obligation that I felt that they would think I loved them less or due to the relationship. 

I begin to think about how many times God has told me "No " in a situation and I felt that He did not love me anymore because He was looking out for my good.  Saying No to someone does not mean that you love them any less or that it is final.  Saying No at that time may mean "just not right now".  The ability to set appropriate boundaries is important to self care.  I have learned to say "No" as a complete sentence and also as part of my self care.

Another technique that I have learned is to pause when someone ask me to do something.  I will say let me look at my calendar and if it is something that I can do or want to do, I will agree.  If it is something that is going to cause me inner conflict when I do or that I will be complaining about it or if it is truly something that I do not want to do.  I can say that I have something on my calendar and can we do it at another time.  Sometimes saying No is saying Yes to self-care.

Plan B Career

I was reading an article in a magazine....an the author discussed Plan B careers.  It was a time when a person would get a job and stay for thirty years and get a gold watch at retirement.  My father was one of those individuals, he worked two jobs at the same time, retiring from one at 25 years of service and then the next one at 30+ years.  You do not hear about that now a days because lay offs happen....job changes, etc. 

It is said that a person will change jobs over 6 times in a lifetime.  I can agree with that because I have changed jobs after working for one place for 12 years.  I am currently in my third career and I did not really have a plan B in place when I changed from Retail Management working at Hills Department Store to the Custodial Banking arena to currently in the Counseling - Not for Profit Management Business.  As I think about what will be next or what if I walked in and was laid off, I think about my Plan B Career.  What would I like to do?

Think about what would or could be your plan B career....what did you want to do when you were younger and there is still a possibility that you could do it?  In the article, a guy sold everything and went from a life of being a financial analyst to a blogger in Thailand.  He was seeking his calling and followed his heart.  So begin to think about your Plan B Career....what could you do next?

Loss: one choice or one situation can change your life....

This week I have been impacted by three different stories in the news about three young African American males.  The first story was about Tony Farmer, 18 a high school basketball standout that made a choice to confront an ex-girlfriend which caused him to be sentenced to 3 years in prison.  The next story was about 21 year old Chavis Carter that was shot in the head either self inflicted or by someone else.  The story is that he committed suicide while in the back of a police car while handcuffed.  The last story is about 15 year old Dana Payne from Memphis, TN was at football practice and was hit and died on the way to the hospital. Each of these stories ended in loss of life. 

As I read each of the stories, it made me think about how one situation can really change your life whether it was a controllable situation or not.  When I watched the video of Tony Farmer, my heart went out to this young man because he had such a promising future. His life has change because of the one choice of going to confront his ex-girlfriend and he made some decisions out of desperation and anger. He was awestruck when the judge handed down the sentence and collapsed in the floor.  His life will be forever changed because he will have a blemish on his record which will make it difficult to find a job and have opportunities to do what he dreamed.

Chavis Carter and Dana Payne's lives have changed because they are no longer here on earth.  The story about Chavis is one of great sorrow because the truth will never come out whether he committed suicide or shot by someone else.  The story does not add up but he can not tell his side of the story.  Dana Payne seemed to be taken so soon.

We can learn from each of these stories about how one choice or situation can change your life. I know that we do not control when we will die but how can we live our lives to the fullest while we are still here.

Pray for the families that are impacted by the loss of these 3 young men.

Everybody Can't Go

On Saturday, I was watching an episode of Between Brothers.  I don't know if you remember it, it was a sitcom that had Kadeem Hardison, Tommy Davidson, Kelly Perine and Dondre Whitfield that was out in the late 90's.  This particular episode was about Charles (Kadeem Hardison) was working to get an interview with Michael Jordan and he was hanging out with Duane Martin to get the interview.  His friends wanted to be included in the parties and activities but they were not on the list. It made me think about how there are some situations that you can't take everybody with you.

How many times have we wanted to take others with us as we move forward in our destiny?  There are some situations that everyone will not be able to go with us.  It may be a work situation, a relationship, your destiny, etc. that you seem to be holding on to someone or they are holding on to you.  This makes me think about all the times that I wanted to take family and friends with me on my journey(the good and the bad) and God reminded me that this is not their destiny it is yours.   I remember when I was preparing to go to college and I realized that my friends were not going to Memphis with me.  I had been accepted to MSU and it could not change my mind.  So I had to go forth and go alone, but I was able to meet other friends that have become valuable to my journey.

The realization that our journey is our own and it is key to moving forward.  Remembering that there are specific things that we must go through to get to what is designed for us.  At times the journey gets lonely and you want to bring someone along for the ride.  Do we really bring them along because we want them as a companion or is it because we are fearful, victims of circumstance, codependent, etc.?  It is important that we choose prayerfully who is suppose to go with us on the journey, next phase of life, etc. 

It does not mean that we will not meet again on this journey, it just mean that you can not go on this part of the journey with me because you have your own path to experience. 

What Are You Teaching Others?

As usual, I have had conversations with others this week and there have been a theme in the conversations.  The theme this week is" How are we teaching people?"  I am a firm believer in that we treat people how to treat us.  Some people will say "that is not true" because he or she is just mean and treats everyone like that.  I can agree that there are some mean people out there and can just belittle another person, but it is in most cases that we have allowed a person to act a certain way towards us over and over again and they begin to believe that it is acceptable behavior. 

In our relationships, the ability to set boundaries with others can be tainted by our own selfishness, religious views, power and control, learned behaviors, etc. As we have encounters with others, we have to look at our beliefs and values and see if they match up with who we are or who we want to be.  The ability to reteach a person on how to treat you will take intention and practice.  The response to the other person is up to you.  You are able to say No to situations that you do not want to participate or say No to behaviors that go against who you are. 

I was thinking about how many times I have done something because of my belief that a good Christian wouldn't say No.  But in the end I have participated begrudgely or by complaining, which would have been better if I had just said No.  Other times, we take a position of being the Sacrificial Lamb and victim in the situation.  There has only been One!

So the next time that you begin to feel like the victim in a situation or relationship ask yourself if you taught the person to treat you in this manner.  You have been empowered to live your best life.

Change is essential to growth

On my commute to work I listen to The Steve Harvey Morning Show and one morning he stated in order to grow you must change.  This message stuck with me because it spoke truth to me.  This morning as part of my devotion I was reading Isaiah 41:8-14 and God reminded me that He is with me in all situations. So with that being said, I have an understanding that to grow I must be willing to change.

Change creates uncertainty, feelings of being uncomfortable, going beyond the knowing, discipline and obedience.  Think about plants because they start out as seeds planted in soil.  The soil and seeds have to be nurtured through fertilization and watering.  We can not see the changes and growth that the plants are going through underground until we will finally see a sprout.  The seeds go through a transition process to develop into a lively green plant.  Tranisition is part of development and growth.  Whatever growth that you want to go through in your life, you must be willing to change some things. 

What area in your would you like to change?  I am here to walk alongside you and help you make the change and grow.

"If we don't change, we don't grow.  If we don't grow, we aren't really living. - Gail Sheehy